1:11am. I have been missing my blog. It’s not an ideal time to be writing but it’s one of those nights where I felt it was a good time to revisit; throw some hands on the keys and pound away my thoughts a little.
The last entry I had was for Day 9 – 10 – 11 of the Love Dare challenge I voluntarily set myself up for. Although, I wasn’t able to post up blogs everyday as I hoped, I was able to accomplish the challenge. But, I am writing now – about 5 months – after that and revisiting Day 12’s entry. So, there will be a bit of back and forth between what was, what is and what I think now. Sorry about that – would have been better to have written the blog when it was fresh. (Lesson learned!)
Day 12’s challenge was: DEMONSTRATE LOVE BY WILLINGLY CHOOSING TO GIVE IN TO AN AREA OF DISAGREEMENT BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE.
My entry on February 12th read: We didn’t have any conflict today but there was an incident that I recall where I did this recently. We were running errands. On the ride to the store, he talked about the chihuahua pup getting shots. He said I said something about doing the shots “DIY” style. I was really confused and told him calmly 5-6x that I mentioned no such thing. He was so adamant it was me. I offered that maybe it was my daughter but he said it wasn’t. Because I was calm about it – [the] issue did not escalate.
The space in my journal ran out but, the entire story did not end there. Once we were home, I had to ask my daughter about the shot issue. She confirmed that it was she who mentioned it to my husband. He let the comment roll off his shoulder and did not offer an apology. While, that’s not what I was looking for, I recall taking note of that. I’m not entirely sure why at this point. But, enough for me to remember those details 5 months post issue. There were no further incident – I probably rolled my eyes once or twice when it was confirmed who he was talking to but yanno – Lord, help my facial features. LOL.
I guess, looking back at this – Was I doing the will of “giving in”? Perhaps? Perhaps not? I’m not even sure if I analyzed the task properly since it’s so vague in context of what “disagreement” would mean…. To me, I don’t think I was in disagreement about something because we weren’t making any decisions on anything together. So, my definition of a disagreement would generally be related to how to get something done. In this instance, he was already decided on doing the shots himself. But, I was supposedly the source of the idea. I think that once we clarified the issue and he heard for himself from my daughter that I wasn’t, I felt better that he realized that his overreaction and accusation of me were completely unfounded. Would you consider this, “giving in”?
Fortunately, as noted, the issue did not escalate. Now, that I’m writing right at this second, my brain hamsters are doing a light jog; I think I took note of his non-apologetic response as a brief mark of “picking my battles”. Like, I could of egged it on and rubbed it in his face that he was being dramatic and what not when we were in the car and pushed for an apology. But I didn’t. I mean, is THAT “giving in”?
It’s a bit complicated to explain my reasoning and confusion. But in a nutshell – 16+ years with someone does make you question your actions of prior years to what it currently is. Younger me probably would have (without hesitation) sputtered further annoyance that he was unwilling to apologize for his accusations because, back then, my pride was always the bigger between the two of us. (OHHH, yes, I can DEFINITELY admit my pride was built of marble when I was younger. Justice was my core – still is – but again, “pick my battles and do better”, type of situation.) By looking at things from this perspective — by not engaging in past behaviors — maybe I did give in?
OK – so by now – I’ve kicked the dead horse one too many times. This issue was a non-issue. I am going to let it rest now.
I feel better that I wrote this morning; though it’s the wee hours of the morning. 🙂 I will come back much sooner this time. Thanks for reading.